Living Life and Trying to Make Sense of It All

A sensible approach to the gun issue. The emotion should be taken out of the equation. Let us focus on the root of the problem and not the guns. Gun control is not the answer just like banning cars or alcohol is not the answer for drunk driving accidents. We need to start taking responsibility. Blaming the people. Yes, if you own a gun, register it and keep it safe. Common sense can go a long way with keeping people safe. Those who aren’t careful should be punished. None of these gun crimes have been the owners of the gun. The guns are always registered to someone else. How is control going to stop this??
I believe it starts with you. Gun owner or not. Take the time to get to know your neighbors, report someting fishy, say hello and be courteous to a straner. You never know what that person is dealing with. Get people help that need it. This is people problem not a gun problem. The mental health of anyone at anytime could be close to the brink in this everyone for themself world.

First Blog

This is my first blog, so I thought it would be good to start with a current topic that is on everyones mind. It is the debate on gun control. I want to start by saying that everyone in this country, no matter what side your on , is concerned about the sensless killing of children with any weapon. I also realize that the people that are screaming for gun bans are very angry and emotional. It is quite understandable to be emotional, but unfortunately it is not the best approach to solving a problem that is very serious as killing children. Its not right, but these tradgedys get used for political gains and usually are not used to solve the problems they profess to care about. It sounds bad for me to say , but most of you that are wanting to have a gun ban are pawns being…

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Facebook is the Devil

I have read several articles outlining the evils of facebook. It makes people depressed. It makes it appear that thier “friends” are happier
and doing more with thier lives. I have read that it is now stated as
a reason for many divorces in hearings. In high schools girls are
using it to bully other girls. Suicides have actually been linked to
facebook. Now these are just a few that I have read and they all seem
so crazy to me.

I think there is some truth to it. As a single woman, I have been down
or pissed off to see a new engagement or birth. I hate to see the girl
that was the hugest bitch in high school or college get married or
have a kid. Nothing bothers me more than seeing the girls that slept
with just about everyone and their brothers (literally in some cases)
get engaged. I have fallen into the thoughts of “why not me?” and “how
can they find someone and not me”.
One thing that I do enjoy is seeing is couples who profess their love
and happiness in their statuses. That might sound contradictory to
what I just said.

“I just love my boyfriend! He is my best friend and love of my life!!!
I’m so lucky to have him! He is so good to me! My life is just perfec
with him!!”
-Real status update from my obnoxiously “in love” facebook friend

Yes at first look, I have to refrain from gagging, but then it makes
me wonder how long before that couple breaks up. You are probably
wondering how a overly the top love announcement to the world could
possibly be a sign of breaking up or unhappiness. Now wait stay with
me. It will make sense.

 I have been victim to it. When I have had a problems with my
boyfriend and we maybe have a talk that things will get better and
things will work, I instinctively put it on facebook or write all
gushy about how great my boyfriend is and how happy we are. It is all
lies. Well, maybe not complete lies because at the time I did feel
that way due to a good talk with my boyfriend. It just never lasts
long. And if a girl is constantly writing those gushy, vomit inducing
statuses it always makes me think there is trouble in paradise. I mean
do you believe that status above is for real?!? I don’t. I mean does
she have no friends or anything else going on in her life? I only feel
sorry for her because if that all she has going for her is her
boyfriend… it may soon be ending or not all that happy at all.
Maybe it is not always true for all people, but it sure gets me
through my thoughts of wishing I wasn’t single to believe it is true
for all.

I try to refrain from putting those kind of statuses up anymore.
Lately I’ve been trying to avoid any status updated and limit all
facebook activity due to how it may come off to people who may think
the same things.

Just think about the next time you are about to put an extra happy
status up… it is probably because you are upset about something or
not real happy in your relationship and hoping the status and extra
love will change things. Believe me, I’ve been there and it doesn’t
work for long. Actually I think refraining from facebook and not
keeping up with it has really made me happy and focus more on the
things that make me happy.

Now maybe not all your facebook “friends” will be privy to thinking
this way, but some of them might be aware of this trait and may be
feeling pity for you instead of the intended jealousy.
Afew of my friends believe it is very true too. We have a joke that if
one of us puts a super-happy status up to call them and make sure they
are ok. I’ve even gotten done texting a friend about a problem and she
told me that I just need to put a super happy status up and that will
show everyone. Although, sometimes thinking that others might think
I’m happy, makes me a little happy.

So use facebook wisely and if it makes you happy, go for that status
update when your down, but if it makes you feel like a fraud and that
maybe just maybe someone will know.. refrain.
Please refrain if it is anything like the above status update just for
the sake of your facebook “friends’. We all thank you.

I talked about how my friend analyzes her relationships in the last post. To be honest it makes me feel not so alone. I do the same thing. I can’t help it. It causes so much unhappiness with me and dissatisfaction in my relationships. This is probably another great reason why I’m single and will never find, to me, a truly great guy.

With my friend in the last post, I do not think she is settling to avoid her cycle of doom. I think she is crazy about the guy she is with and that there are just some things she doesn’t like.
I think that is most what I need. Someone I’m mad about. Someone I can’t stop thinking about and would do anything for. Someone that keeps me on my toes and doesn’t let me control what they do. I need a guy who challenges me not a guy that will agree with everything I say to be nice. I haven’t had that crazy about a guy feeling. Well, I have, but I find out way too late that they do not feel the same and only did nice things and said nice things because they didn’t want to make me mad or lose me. Men like that do not get a peace prize from me! They may have kept if for awhile, but when the truth comes out and things end, it is the worst feeling in the world.

So there again comes to when are we settling in love and when are we in a mature love that accepts the others’ faults and differences. It may be a thin line, but I haven’t discovered the answer yet.

I found a great article in Psychology Today that outlines that we all think about our relationships and if we are in the wrong one. It answered a few questions. It may help with people who are already married or decided that they want to spend their whole life with someone.

Basically it says that we are all disillusioned by our relationship and think about all the faults in our partner when really we need to be looking at ourselves and what we could change. No one is perfect and we have to accept some things and we have to work on some things too. We all know that, but don’t realize that it is so common and everyone will do it in their lifetime. This article may make you feel better that you aren’t alone and may make you realize that it is okay to think you are with the wrong person and that there is no such thing as perfect. Maybe I should read this article daily as a reminder next time I go on a date and wonder if it will work or not. It would be nice if I could take my friend’s advice and not think about the future and just have fun with it.

So I was talking with a friend last night about cycles. Not menstrual, but being doomed to repeat our parent’s mistakes or end up with what our parents have gotten or have settled for.  Are we meant to repeat the same mistakes as our parents?

My dad swears that we end up taking care of the parent that gave us the least attention or love. That has become true of my parents and who they spend more time with as adults, but I took it a step further…I think as we try to find those qualities of the parent that wasn’t as loving or maybe had issues in a future partner. Like a way to get that love or deal with the issues with a new person. Now my friend seems to think that she may have settled in a relationship just to avoid the drama filled relationship that her mother has. Another friend chimed in that she thinks that the reason she is so attracted to her boyfriend is because he has so many qualities that she is used to from the men (her father) in her life. He is busy and a jack-of-all-trades like her father. She sometimes hates that he is gone, but understands it.

Now as wrote previously, I recently broke up with a guy that was perfect and adored me. He wanted marriage and kids and would have been a great provider and father. I thought long and hard about those qualities and I had to get out because I didn’t want to repeat the cycle of my mother, who tells me she married my father because he wanted a family. My dad was a great provider and father. My mother stayed at home, but I’m not sure she was ever happy. She is now remarried to another “nice” guy that again I don’t think she is completely happy for. Ultimately I think that is why I broke it off with my ex-bf. Everything he said and did seemed so nice and seemed to mesh with the things I valued and wanted eventually. It just wasn’t right because I felt it all would end like my mom and dad’s relationship and that I truly wouldn’t be satisfied.

Then it brings me to think that the alternative is finding a guy that is more like my mom, neurotic and incapable of showing love as much as she may have wanted to. I am attracted to the guys with problems and emotional unavailability or the guys that never say they love you to find out later they never did.

I guess that is why I am still single because we think about these cycles and are trying so hard to avoid them. Trying so hard to not end up like our parents and avoid what made them unhappy. I’m trying to learn from it and move towards what will make me happy and fulfilled. A cross between the guys that want me and I can’t seem to want to be with them and the guys I want who can’t seem to get past their mommy issues or clique of high school friends.

Here’s to finding a normal guy that I can be happy with and have no thoughts of cycles~

Actually he doesn’t even have to be normal. Maybe that is better anyway.

Why do guys feel it necessary to guide a woman’s hand down their pants?

I have a peeve about guys who think it is necessary to guide my hand down into their pants! Ahh.. it is a turnoff. I just wanted to be like.. I  know where it is, and am fully capable of getting it out myself if i wanted.

Here I am having a nice date, second date mind you. We shared a nice kiss and then he continues to make out with me. Granted I’m enjoying it a little bit because it is the most action I’ve gotten in quite awhile. Then it just turns uncomfortable, where he is trying to grope and slurping where the kissing isn’t even hot. Then comes the hand grab. Not the sweet hand holding. The grab. The one where he grabs your hand and leads it to his pants and inside.

This is the move that should get a guy slapped. Now I know some people this works on. Not me. I know some girls who will play with it a little bit pretend she is thinking about it and then after a few you pretend that you change your mind and you just can’t. Easy. They apologize and the girl plays real innocent.


Maybe I’m a prude or a control freak, but that has to be the biggest turn off ever. I mean if we were dating with some time and we’d gotten physical then maybe that would be okay. Don’t get me wrong once we’ve been physical, I love a guy to take charge. But I’m also pretty sure that once we have gone there, you won’t need to help me get to your pants because I’m probably already there.;)

And trust me guys, it will be worth it when you are patient and not guiding a girl to get physical. We don’t need that.

I have had some time to be alone and reflect. I think that is one thing that most women have a hard time with…. being alone. I have had many sad nights and moments of weakness where I just want to meet a guy or have a one night stand. Because a one night stand is always the answer to making you feel better! LOL
All the lonely nights and tears make me stronger each time. I am not saying that I still don’t carry my lessons learned from one past relationship into another, but that I know I’m ready for a new relationship and better for it when I’m done.

My first serious relationship ended with me getting a belly button piercing. Okay, that might not have made me better. It was more vengeful since he always wanted me to get one. I still have it and don’t think I can lose it because my stomach just looks bigger without it. So, let’s chalk that up for a win. 

The next serious relationship ended and that was rough. I started running daily, eating better, tanning, and looking to buy my very own house. I didn’t stick with the running. Although, I definitely would like to like to run. I still do it. Just not daily. I have my own house now for going on 4 years. I love it. 

The next guy was a bad one too.I dated for vengeance after him. Just dated. One date and I was out. Didn’t even give a real name. It was fun and taught me a few things. Mostly it gave me good stories and the realization that my ex was wrong and men do love a strong woman who proves they are smart. I personally needed that at the time.  Mostly I started to take classes and paint. Do things I’d never had time to do before.

Each relationship I learned from and did things to make myself better even if it wasn’t something that continued for the better. Mostly all these thins helped me heal and helped me move forward a little bit with a better me.

I never have wished that I would have jumped into a relationship after I ended one. I need time to process. We all should take time to feel sorrow and make amends. Forgive and forget. To realize that the relationship happened and ended for a reason. I don’t always know those reasons. I have come up with quite a few realizations though.

That is what I’ve been doing the past sever

al months. Lately I’ve been so sad and complaining about how I’m ready to meet someone and I’m tired of the guys who are around. I think the past month, I’ve been saying that so much that my friends are starting to feel sorry for me. I do belie

ve that things happen when they are supposed to and you can’t force it. I guess I really wasn’t ready when I was complaining. So this past week has been pretty amazing and I have a few prospects. I was hoping for one, but I’ll take a few extras. It should be a fun journey to figure out who is worthy of more than one date. This is so much fun.

Looks like I’m ready!!!

I’m feeling a little discouraged by my current relationship. I have a great guy who would do anything for me. I swear he may be evry girl’s fairytale boyfriend. On top of the nice, cute things he does he even tells me things that could be written for an award winning romance movie. It just doesn’t make my heart melt. I hate to lose him. I know how good I have it, but I also know he isn’t for me. Deep down I know that is true. I know I may never have a guy as great as him, but I refuse to give up on trying to find that great guy who also gives me butterflies and ignites passion and the feeling that I could do no better. I would rather have a guy that I’m crazy about and no one else cares for than a guy everyone else loves and I don’t really feel it.

I guess what is hard for me to decide is that I don’t know if I am really going to give up the best thing that is out there for me, the real thing. The important stuff we have. I mean he is perfect for me on paper. He’s the guy that I think of when I think forever and commitment. Maybe it isn’t him, maybe I’m just not there yet. If that is true, I should hold on to him until I am ready, right? This is why this is so difficult for me to let him go. It would hurt him. I can’t bear to do that to him either. I have to think though that if we aren’t meant to be then we both are missing out on the person that we are meant to be with. Staying with him and feeling this way isn’t helping either of us. I need to take that step and see where it takes me. I have never been a girl that is afraid to be alone and I have always opted to be alone than in a relationship that wasn’t working. This time though, I feel like I’d rather be in this psuedo-relationship than alone. I don’t know why I’m so scared this time to make that cut.
I wish there were answers to what makes the best relationship with sticking power. I feel that his qualities are something that should be listed in this rule book that apparently hasn’t been written. Maybe the reason that there is no book of rules is because there are none. Maybe it is different for everyone. Obviously the characteristics I thought to be right aren’t the ones that work for me. I guess I should through my made up rule book out the window and start over. I am working on making that decision to start over, start over alone and walk away from a great guy. Wish me luck! :”(

Shaking it up!

Sometimes doing the right thing isn’t always right. I don’t mean morally. I think doing the right thing morally or ethically is always the right choice.
I am talking about doing what is expected for our age or the rules for all humans. The norms. We all have an ideal of what we should be doing at certain ages. The right thing to do. Going to college after high school, getting a job after school it is never ending. We are all supposed to save so much of a paycheck, find a nice boy to settle down with, buy a house, save for retirement and the list goes on. It is too much! I’m tired of living my life as I’m supposed to. I don’t think I’m supposed to live that path. I have been. I have done everything that I feel should be expected of me. Even the way I act in relationships are based on what should be done and how I perceive things should be. I guess it is creating boredom. I feel trapped and unable to enjoy myself because I’m bound by these restrictions that I only make for myself and created by social norms. I shouldn’t be stressed if I don’t have 3 months savings for a rainy day or if I am not married with kids by a certain age. I’m not looking for that and I shouldn’t feel guilty and pressured. I do a lot of things that have kept me from doing what I want because “what would other people think? I’m too old or young to do that or I should be doing this because this article told me.”
Time to live for me and not by what I’m supposed to do. Next thing is figuring out how to do that? What rules do I need to get rid of and what do I need to change? I guess I’ll start shaking things up and see what happens. Hm mm…. Where to start? I guess I can go out tonight and drink like I’m still in college. We all know that isn’t okay after a certain age. hahaha

Anyone remember back to college where you had all your friends so close and you never thought that you’d grow apart? All your friends and more in one place most likely walking distance away. Now, my closest friend distance-wise is about 30 minutes. Friends from college thought we’d get together every year at least and take trips together and talk everyday. There was always something to do and always someone to do it with. That part of college I would gladly go back to in a heart beat. After graduation, I was sad to know that the promise of staying close didn’t last long. I do still talk to a handful of friends from college, but it isn’t the same. We aren’t as close, distance and time has effected the friendship. I am thankful too because some of the people from college I don’t talk to at all. I know who my good friends are and the ones I want to put effort into. Even though year after year, phone calls and visits get less and less, I know that no matter how far I am I still have my good friends.
I have been thinking about this because just recently a good friend of mine moved to another state. This isn’t the first time a good friend has moved far away. I know we’ll keep touch and I know we’ll stay friends. I just know that the longer the distance is there the more work it becomes to stay close. I struggle to find time or money to visit friends that live a few hours away as it is. Distance changes a friendship, but the truly great ones will come out of it just fine. I miss that I don’t get to see or talk to my long distance friends as much, but cherish that they are there as I am for them. For now, I’ll have to find someone else to do things with in the time being.

I feel like I’m floating through life  right now. Not really living, not really making an impact. I am bored with my job, with my relationship, my life. I am just breathing I feel like. I lately have been trying to be constantly busy, constantly seeing people or getting things done. This is my first night I’ve been home without having anything to do or anyone to see. Even tonight, I went grocery shopping, worked out and cleaned. Now I’m done and I’m just kind of numb. I guess I was trying to avoid facing it. I’ve had this numb feeling before. I guess now I don’t have anything to keep me busy, I might as well try and think about it.

I am happy with my life and I am doing pretty well. Some people may even think I have it all together. I’m just going through the motions and doing all I am supposed to be doing in life. I am maybe not in the place I need to be. I know this actually and I’m striving for more. I just do not know what I should be striving for. What do I need more of? I feel if I put the work into doing something I could do anything. There are so many options out there. I just do not know what I want to work for. Mostly I mean in a career path, but also in life in general. Do I want to strive for a less safe life? Do I want to strive for a better love life or accept what I have whole-heartedly? So many options in every aspect of my life. Do I want to live for other people and toss my cares and wants away or do I want to live only for me and make all the selfish decisions I can to get what I want? Do I want to settle down and have kids or be a career woman that gets ahead through promiscuity? I’m  kidding about the promiscuous part. I don’t think I could be that girl if I tried. The problem is I don’t know, maybe I could. I know I’m not fulfilling my potential or I wouldn’t be thinking all these things. I don’t want to go through the motions anymore in hope that I figure out someday. I want to find it and I want to know that I’m on the right path when I’m on it. I think I will feel alive and happy with no doubts when I find it. Wish me luck.

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